A good sex life does not have to be complicated at all. Yet many couples get caught up in routine, doubts or a lack of inspiration over time. Whether you have been together for years or are just starting to explore, sometimes a fresh perspective or a little nudge can make all the difference. In this article, we share 18 practical and surprising tips to revitalise your sex life, experience more pleasure and let the passion flourish again. Let yourself be inspired and discover how fun and connecting sex can be. In every phase of your relationship.

Table of contents

Tip 1: Make love with full attention for your partner

It creeps in so easily: routine, goal-oriented lovemaking sessions where your thoughts are miles away. Or only on yourself. But in any case not on the other person. And without full attention for each other and for making love, sex loses its passion, soul and intimacy. Be present in the moment and enjoy each other. Put yourself in your partner's shoes, take your time and make love with your full attention.

Tip 2: Not in the mood for sex? Create the mood

Desire and lust never arise spontaneously. A sexual stimulus (thought, fantasy, book, film, image etc.) is always needed to feel like having sex. Waiting until you suddenly feel like having sex is therefore pointless. Of course, we do not mean to say that having sex against your will is a good idea. But you can create desire by opening yourself up to sexual stimulation.

Do your partner a favour when he or she is in the mood for sex. Often you will find yourself getting in the mood too. Just as appetite is stimulated by the food on your plate at the dinner table, desire and the mood for sex can be aroused by the act of lovemaking itself. And the beautiful thing is: by making love, your body produces testosterone, which automatically develops desire.

Sarah (48): "I did it! I can say yes! After years of being on the 'no' setting, I now manage to first think about what sex gives me. It had become an automatic reaction to immediately look for an excuse. Saying 'yes' is difficult at first, but I quickly notice that the contact and intimacy with my husband gives me so much. I can now also talk to him better about what I want when we have sex. The result is that I have learned better what I enjoy. I get aroused again and no longer dread sex!" (Source: book Difference in Desire)

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Tip 3: Talk to your partner

Of course it is stating the obvious, but that does not make it any less important. If you discuss things when you cook together, why not when you make love together? So take a deep breath and take on that challenge! Talk about your desires and fantasies and ask about those of your partner.

Are there problems? (including Differences in desire, Pain during sex). Discuss them and try to be creative together in finding solutions.

Do you find it difficult to start a conversation about this? You can find tips in the article Talking about sex: not easy but definitely doable.

Lisa (54): "Sex is so wonderful. A new era has begun. We talked a lot about our sex life and came to the conclusion that neither of us was doing it the way we wanted. We had our ritual on Saturday afternoon - a glass of wine, some fumbling on the couch and then upstairs. There too, the sex followed a set pattern. How poor. We started reading about tantric sex together and watching films. Not entirely our thing, but it did make us feel more. We now take time for each other, we don't go upstairs. We really feel each other's bodies first. I feel like I have much more connection. That feels good and exciting. We create our own little world, where much is possible." (Source: Book Difference in Desire)

Tip 4: Use your imagination

Arousal and desire begin in the mind. An erotic thought or fantasy activates the sexual system and arouses you. When you have been in a relationship for a while, more sexual stimuli are needed to become aroused. The role of fantasy then becomes more important. So put your mind and imagination to work for more adventure, pleasure and variety. Seek inspiration and let yourself be carried away. Watch an erotic film together, read each other arousing erotic stories (or read them on your own) and browse this site together. Realise: you hold your own arousal in your hands.

A study showed that 73.5 percent of women felt sexual desire after reading an erotically toned book. Researcher F. Spufford: "The pleasure of reading is not only that a new world opens up for you, but that it also brings you to yourself. And arousal and desire begin in the mind."

Tip 5: Clear up your irritations, create the right atmosphere

Annoyances and irritations in a relationship directly affect the sex life. Particularly for women, there is a direct link. She might be irritated because he does too little around the house or spends too little time with the children. Or because she does not get enough attention and he is too preoccupied with his work. Then she has, consciously or unconsciously, no desire to make love with him. When her to-do list is long, she also cannot be open to relaxation and sex.

Be honest with each other, discuss these irritations and clear them out of the way together. Or step past your irritations and let yourself be seduced into a lovemaking session. Often, making love softens the irritations and benefits intimacy. This happens partly automatically. During lovemaking, the hormone oxytocin is produced, and this hormone creates a feeling of bonding.

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Tip 6: Break the routine. Passion requires renewal

Routine is deadly for desire, lust and passion. And who does not have it? At the beginning of a relationship, a way of making love and pleasuring each other usually develops. Unnoticed and unintended, this routine is then endlessly repeated. After years of repetition, the excitement and arousal fade away.

Even if it was wonderful in the beginning, eating the same food every day eventually becomes boring. In fact, too much of the same thing can even become off-putting over time! And besides, sexual preferences change over time. In short, plenty of reasons to seek out renewal together. You will see - a world of new intimacy and passion will open up for you. Accept that a little fear and uncertainty is part of it, but go for it. It will only get better!

So make love in a different place or do it differently. Or give each other an erotic massage. And have you ever thought about Tantra? A practice that can contribute to more loving and relaxed sex. And break through the barrier of using toys and buy a beautiful vibrator in our shop to enrich your love life.

In short: away with predictable sex! Experiment, laugh, dare and fantasise! It will work wonders for your love life and sex life.

Prof. H. van der Wiel: "Research shows that people enjoy sex more when they are 'past the shame'. In particular, not daring to talk about sex, the fear of experimenting and the inability or unwillingness to put yourself in your partner's world of experience have a negative influence on the sexual domain. My advice is: make lovemaking a celebration. How often you have such a celebration is beside the point. But talk about it with each other, put effort into it and keep it interesting and varied."

Why stay in your comfort zone when there is so much more pleasure to be had outside of it

- Loesje

Tip 7: Ensure relaxation

Stress is bad for your sex life. When someone is under stress for a long time, it causes a lowered endorphin level in the body. This has a proven negative effect on the desire for sex. Relaxation, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. Through relaxation, the heart rate drops and sexual arousal begins. That is why most couples feel more like having sex during their holidays.

So plan a relaxing and romantic weekend getaway a few times a year. And make sure that you are not only relaxed during your holidays and weekends away, but also during your daily life. Half an hour of yoga or walking is not only good for your health, it is also good for your sexual energy.

Tip 8: Address erection issues

Many men experience erection problems as they get older. That is part of life and does not have to be a problem at all. Realise that as a man gets older, more sexual stimulation is needed to become aroused and achieve a firm erection. When both partners take this into account and pay extra attention to it, a good erection will usually develop naturally.

There are also fun and very accessible toys available that can help achieve and maintain an erection. Such as a cock ring or a beautiful vibrating cock ring that gives her extra enjoyment. You can read more about these rings in the article How to use and choose the right cock ring?

And making love is of course also possible without an erection. If you do experience it as a problem, it can usually be resolved. Changes in lifestyle and medication use can already help. Medications such as Cialis and Viagra can also offer a solution. Do not hesitate to see your doctor - you are not the only one.

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Tip 9: Feel attractive

Research shows that the degree to which someone finds themselves attractive is directly related to the degree to which he/she can enjoy sex. Sure, your body changes as you get older, but that says nothing about your desirability. Do not be too critical of yourself. Ignore the pressure from television, magazines and other media and be happy with your body in every phase of your life.

Continue to pay attention to your appearance. So ladies: shave your legs even when it is not skirt weather, do not sleep in a faded t-shirt and just wear that sexy lingerie and nightwear. You will see: you immediately feel a lot sexier. And the same goes for gentlemen: wear clothes at home that make you feel strong and sexy, continue to pay attention to your grooming and regularly put on a nice fragrance.

Tip 10: Bring back the romance

The art of seduction is often found in small gestures: opening a nice bottle of wine while cooking, lighting candles during dinner, giving a sweet compliment and putting on a nice fragrance. In a long-term relationship, these seduction skills often fall by the wayside. A shame, of course.

Women in particular find it important when men do small things for them that say: 'I care about you, I think you are beautiful, I enjoy doing things for you'. For women, romance is about feeling that she is special. And when women are in a romantic mood, they are open to more intimacy and loving passion.

Romantic tips for men: put on her favourite music, bring a small surprise or send her a card or a sweet text message. Of course, it is also appreciated if you go a bit bigger and surprise your loved one with an evening at the theatre or dinner at a romantic restaurant.

Prof. H. van der Wiel: "People who give their sex life a high rating appear to put more effort into their love life. There are also many couples who are dissatisfied with their sex life. This can be due to things like fatigue, illness, menopause or erection problems. But very often it is simply that people do not make enough effort to keep it fun and exciting."

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Tip 11: Use a lubricant

A lubricant is a liquid substance used during lovemaking or intercourse. The gel makes sliding softer, more sensual and more intimate. It can also make lovemaking more pleasurable and enjoyable when the vagina remains a bit dry. And that simply happens as you get older. A few drops of a good silicone lubricant is enough to supplement the moisture level. Nowadays they are available in all types and flavours. There are also lubricants (silicone-based) that can simultaneously be used for wonderful massages. This way it can become a lovely part of foreplay. Want to know more? Read the article How to choose the right and best lubricant?

Tip 12: Take good care of your health

Illness is one of the greatest enemies of sex. Poor health can seriously stand in the way of a passionate love life. If there are health problems, they need to be "managed". So follow your doctor's orders and make the lifestyle changes needed for good health. Losing weight, exercise, healthy eating and not drinking too much alcohol will not only improve your health, it will also give your sex life a tremendous boost.

And a good sex life is also good for your health. Cuddling, making love and above all having an orgasm trigger the production of oxytocin. This cuddle hormone has a remarkable effect: it not only creates a feeling of togetherness, it also has a pain-relieving effect.

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Tip 13: Start in the morning

Good foreplay actually begins in the morning. For women, it usually does not work when a man suddenly wants to make love in the evening in bed, after watching football all night. (Which, for a man, does not have to be a problem at all.) So gentlemen: give your partner loving attention throughout the day. Bring her breakfast in bed or send her a sweet text message. Text her how fun, beautiful and sexy she is. The result of these loving efforts will surprise you.

Tip 14: Do things without each other

Doing things together is of course great, but if you do everything together, the other person can become so familiar that feelings of sexual arousal, lust and desire melt away like snow in the sun. Tension requires distance. In that case, you create sexual tension not by doing more together, but precisely by doing more things without each other: go on holiday with a friend, sign up for a course or join a sports club.

Tip 15: Take the first step yourself

Many people tend to point at the other person when sex is no longer what it was at the beginning of their relationship. 'If he/she would just pay more attention to me, then we would not have a problem.' Or: 'if he/she would want to make love more often, try harder, be more romantic, then our sex life would be much better.' But what many people forget is that they themselves may no longer be as romantic, loving or seductive as at the beginning of their relationship. The only way to break old patterns and create new, refreshing ones is by taking the first step yourself.

Prof. H. van de Wiel: "Unfortunately, many people are convinced that it is the other person, and not themselves, who needs to change. However logical that may seem in their eyes, if they want something to change in their relationship, there is only one way to do something about it: by changing themselves."

Tip 16: Consult your doctor

If you or your partner is struggling with sexual problems, do not hesitate and consult your GP or a sexologist. Keep in mind: you are not the only one and you are not the first person they have had this conversation with. It would really be a shame not to. There may be very simple solutions to your problems.

A lack of desire can, for example, be caused by medication. In that case, switching to different medication can help enormously. There are quite a few libido killers among medications. If you want to know whether you are taking medications that may have side effects on sexuality, check the table of medication side effects on sexuality.

Tip 17: Solo sex

Having sex and orgasms has both emotional and physical benefits. Vibrators and masturbators can help enormously with this. How wonderful. Nowadays there are so many beautiful designs and colours to choose from. And solo sex can actually strengthen the desire for your partner. Often it also turns out to be surprising and arousing for the partner to learn about this.

Could you use some help choosing the right vibrator? Then read the article How to choose the right vibrator? Or take the vibrator quiz for personalised advice.

Tip 18: Lovemaking does not always have to be great

If lovemaking always has to be great, you put too much pressure on yourself. The art is to make love in the moment itself and to accept that it is different every time. Every lovemaking session is different and it is not necessary to always have amazing sessions. There is also no single right or perfect way to have sex. One time it is a quick release of stress, another time there is more time for slow, caressing sex. One time it is fantastic and passionate, another time not at all. Making love is also different in every phase of life. There may also be periods when sex is less frequent and exciting. Your sex life together develops over the years, and that is also what makes it so unique and special.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How can I increase my desire for sex if I often don't feel the need?

Sexual desire usually does not arise on its own, but through stimuli such as an erotic thought, touch, or fantasy. You can 'create' desire by opening yourself up to sexual stimulation. Please your partner when he or she is in the mood for sex. Often you will find yourself getting in the mood as well. By making love, your body produces testosterone, which naturally develops desire.

What are ways to break through monotony and routine in my sex life?

Routine is deadly for passion. Try new things: make love in a different place, introduce a toy such as a blindfold or vibrator, or give each other an erotic massage. Share fantasies, read an erotic story together, or watch an exciting film. Innovation brings fresh energy and strengthens your bond.

What role do fantasy and erotic material play in improving arousal?

Fantasy is a powerful source of sexual arousal. Your brain can be just as stimulating as physical touch. Arousal and desire begin in the mind. Through an erotic thought or fantasy, the sexual system is activated. Erotic books, videos, or stories make it easier for you to get into an aroused state of mind.

How can I better communicate with my partner about sexual desires and issues?

Talking about sex can be daunting, but it is essential for a healthy sex life. Start at a calm moment, outside the bedroom, and share your thoughts without blame. Ask your partner what he or she enjoys and share what you miss or appreciate. Through openness, more understanding develops and you can try new things together.

What can I do if stress reduces my desire for sex?

Stress significantly suppresses your sexual desire. When someone is under stress for a long time, this causes a lowered endorphin level in the body. Try to incorporate more relaxation into your life, such as walking, yoga, or meditation. A weekend away can also do wonders for your intimacy. Through relaxation, your stress level drops and sexual arousal can develop.

How can I feel more attractive, despite physical changes from ageing?

You are not less attractive because your body changes. Continue paying attention to your appearance, wear clothing that makes you feel sexy, and take good care of yourself. Try not to be too hard on yourself and appreciate everything your body can do. Those who feel attractive radiate that to their partner and often experience more pleasure during sex.

What aids or toys can help with erection problems or increase pleasure?

Erection problems are common and can often be resolved. A penis ring can help make the erection firmer and longer lasting. Vibrating rings or lubricants also add extra stimulation. For women, vibrators can help achieve orgasm more quickly and intensely. If you notice it is a recurring problem, consult your GP.

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10 comments

Wat jammer dat de mensen die hier reageren enkel bij hetero gedachten blijven.
Na mijn scheiding ben ik toevallig verleid door een redelijk jongere dame dan ik waar ik eenmalig op in gegaan ben wel (onder redelijk wat invloed van alcohol) ik ben die dame nog steeds erg dankbaar!
Sindsdien ben ik meer in die richting gaan zoeken en experimenteren en pas nu weet ik wat goede seks is.

Anoniem

Ik weet dat het langdurig gebruik van de pil als anti conceptie de zin in seks volledig om zeep geholpen heeft. Ook had ik het gevoel ‘mezelf niet meer te zijn’ Het heeft jaren geduurd eer ik weer zover was. Naar mijn idee wordt dit te vaak onderschat. Jarenlang je hormonen beïnvloeden is echt niet gezond voor een vrouw.

Anoniem

Ik zou er aan toe willen voegen: rollenspelen.
Ik (vrouw) vind het enorm bevrijdend om een andere rol te kunnen spelen tijdens het vrijen. Dan kan ik me beter laten gaan en er meer van genieten.

Anoniem

U heeft helemaal gelijk, een foutje van ons. Bedankt voor uw reactie, wij hebben de tekst aangepast.

user+17

tip 7 begint met een een verhoogde endorfinespiegel niet goed is. Juist die stelling is niet goed. Een verlaagde endorfinespiegel zou daar moeten staan. Endorfine is ons gelukshormoon 😁

Anoniem

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