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Anal intimacy is not something people tend to discuss openly. It remains a subject surrounded by a certain degree of taboo - yet a great many women and men do engage in this form of intimacy.

Anal sex can be a remarkable and enriching addition to one's intimate life. It can be deeply exciting for both men and women alike. At the same time, it is a particularly intimate experience that calls for vulnerability, trust, and openness between partners. It is also a form of intimacy that can lead to powerful orgasms for both women and men.

Not everyone feels equally enthusiastic about it, however. Psychologist and sexologist Ellen Laan notes in this article: "Nine out of ten women I speak with say they would rather not engage in anal sex. Yet they often do it anyway." Laan does not find this surprising. "American research shows that more than 70 per cent of women who have anal sex do not find it enjoyable."

We do not find this surprising either. The key is approaching it in the right way - and that requires patience, relaxation, arousal, and good communication. When it is not approached correctly, anal intimacy (like any other form of intimacy) is unlikely to be an enjoyable experience. It can even cause discomfort or pain.

Unfortunately, some people do experience pain during or after anal sex - or they fear that it will be painful. That is a shame, and entirely unnecessary, because anal sex genuinely does not have to hurt.

Anal intimacy without pain (for women and men)

Your body is simply not accustomed to having something enter from the outside through the anus. If this happens suddenly, or in the wrong way, your body may react accordingly - and that reaction can involve pain. The sphincter muscle around the anus is naturally rather cautious and is not used to penetration. It can very easily tighten and contract at the mere prospect of penetration to come.

And an overly tense sphincter can cause pain when penetration occurs.

There are other reasons why you may experience discomfort during anal penetration as well. It may be that insufficient lubricant is being used. Or that penetration has not been introduced gradually enough.

Pain can also occur when the penis is repeatedly withdrawn and reinserted into the anus. The most sensitive moment is the point of initial penetration - whether with a penis, finger, or butt plug. Once fully inserted, things tend to feel considerably more comfortable.

Relieving pain after anal intimacy

In some cases, discomfort may persist after anal sex has ended. This post-intimacy pain is usually the result of penetration that was too forceful or too rushed. It may leave you with a lingering burning or itching sensation. Anal sex can also cause small anal fissures - tiny tears around the anus that can feel raw and may bleed slightly. These almost always heal on their own without any need for intervention.

A warm bath can help to ease the discomfort you experience after anal sex, as the warmth encourages the sphincter muscle to relax and release tension.

Tips for preventing pain during anal intimacy

The key to enjoyable, pain-free anal sex is good preparation. The following steps can all help you to fully enjoy a comfortable and exciting anal experience.

  • Relax
    One of the primary causes of pain during anal sex is the involuntary tightening of the muscles around the anus when you are not sufficiently relaxed. Make sure you are in a genuinely relaxed state before you begin - this might mean taking time over foreplay, showering together beforehand, or putting on some calming music. Relaxation is one of the most important ingredients for a pleasurable anal experience, so give it the time it deserves. What helps you unwind will be personal to you - you know best what works. Above all, you need to feel truly ready and comfortable within yourself, and to genuinely want this experience with the partner in question.

  • Arousal
    A second essential element that should never be underestimated is sufficient arousal. Being aroused also supports the relaxation mentioned above. When you are both aroused and relaxed, you are in the ideal state to begin exploring anal intimacy. It is important to be fully present in the moment - not letting your mind drift to the shopping that needs doing or other irrelevant concerns.

  • Explore solo first
    Experimenting with anal stimulation on your own first gives you the opportunity to understand how it feels, what you enjoy, and what you do not. You can then share those insights with your partner. When the sensations feel familiar to your body, it is also somewhat easier to relax during shared anal intimacy. You might start with your fingers to get a sense of what penetration feels like, though many people find it easier to use a small butt plug for this purpose.

  • Start slowly
    Build up anal play gradually. We cannot emphasise this enough. Begin with gentle stroking of the area around the anus, then move to a light massage. You may also wish to use your tongue. If that feels pleasurable and satisfying in itself, there is absolutely no need to go further. Wishing to take things a step further? Build up penetration slowly from there. Let a finger or tongue ease gently inside just a little at first. You might then introduce an anal toy to help you gradually become accustomed to the sensation of anal penetration. Ready for another step? A slightly larger anal toy, or perhaps a set that gives you the freedom to experiment and progress at your own pace, could be a lovely next stage. This allows the anal muscles to adapt and become more familiar with the sensation - sometimes described as gentle "training" - and helps prevent discomfort. Taking things further still? Try gently pressing the penis against the anus first, then let it slide slowly inward. Bear in mind that penile penetration is not the goal in itself. Anal intimacy has no fixed destination - it is about pleasure, arousal, and enjoyment. Prefer to keep things to gentle external massage? That is perfectly wonderful. Simply let your partner know.

  • Use plenty of lubricant
    It is essential that the penis, finger, or toy can glide inward with ease. During vaginal penetration, natural moisture provides sufficient lubrication for comfortable movement. The anus does not have this quality. However, the tissue surrounding the anus is quite delicate and thin, which makes the use of generous amounts of lubricant all the more important during anal intimacy. You can almost never use too much.

  • Give control to the receiving partner
    When the person receiving anal penetration (with a penis) is in control of the pace, they can guide the experience according to what feels good and what does not. In terms of positions, missionary and spooning are generally considered the most comfortable for beginners. More advanced positions include doggy style and reverse cowgirl (where the receiving partner is on top). The advantage of the latter is that it gives the receiving partner greater control over both the pace and depth of penetration - which can be a very reassuring dynamic. Doggy style offers easy access for the penetrating partner, but the drawback is that it can also lead to faster and deeper thrusting - the opposite of what you want when starting out - and leaves the receiving partner with little to no control, which is in many ways the reverse of the cowgirl position.

  • Use intimate aids (anal toys)
    To experience the sensation of anal penetration for the first time, it is strongly advisable to start with a small butt plug designed for beginners or a beginner's prostate massager. Do not start with a penis - it is very likely to be too large at first, and attempting penetration before you are ready can cause unnecessary pain. Starting with a small anal toy allows you to build up gradually and at your own comfort level. The next step might be a slightly larger toy, or you may prefer to go straight to a set of anal toys in graduated sizes. This lets you grow accustomed to the sensation, enjoy the experience in a relaxed way, and gently stretch the anus safely over time - sometimes described as gentle "training". It is useful to know that an erect penis has an average diameter of approximately 4.1 cm. A standard butt plug has an average diameter of around 3 cm. You might start even smaller - with a plug of 2 to 2.5 cm - before moving up to one of 3 to 3.5 cm. It is also entirely valid if a butt plug remains your preferred form of anal stimulation and penile penetration is not something you wish to explore.

  • Think about hygiene
    Hygiene is an important consideration. The anus is a source of bacteria that can cause all manner of unpleasant infections if they come into contact with the vagina. Infection can also be a source of discomfort in itself. Beyond that, it is simply easier to relax when you feel fresh and clean - and that sense of ease is just as important for a comfortable anal experience. You can cleanse the anus by anal douching. An anal douche is a handy tool for this purpose. Using a condom is also a sensible precaution - and do remember to change condoms when moving between anal and vaginal intimacy.

In addition to everything above, good communication - as with all forms of intimacy - is absolutely essential. Stop immediately if your partner experiences unwanted pain, and equally, let each other know when something feels wonderful. Open communication means you learn from every shared experience and become better at bringing each other pleasure over time.

Anal intimacy can be a truly special and enriching dimension of your intimate life. With a little practice, good preparation, and plenty of lubricant, discomfort during this form of intimacy is entirely avoidable.

A word of caution: avoid numbing creams

It may seem tempting to use a numbing cream so that you simply cannot feel any anal discomfort. However, it is not a risk worth taking. Pain is your body's way of signalling that something is wrong, or is about to go wrong. If the anus is numbed, you will not be able to tell whether sufficient lubricant is being used, whether penetration is happening too quickly or going too deep, or whether any damage is occurring. Removing that feedback removes an important safeguard - and that is not something we recommend.

Recommended products for comfortable anal intimacy

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Sources

  1. Ellen Laan. Volkskrant article "Lekker klungelen". https://www.volkskrant.nl/nieuws-achtergrond/lekker-klungelen~b83d55f2/
  2. Gezondheidsnet. Fissures or tears in the anus. https://www.gezondheidsnet.nl/aambeien/scheurtjes-of-kloofjes-in-de-anus
  3. Wikipedia. Rectal douching. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rectal_douching

Veelgestelde Vragen

Waarom doet anale seks pijn?

Pijn bij anale seks ontstaat meestal door spanning in de sluitspier, onvoldoende glijmiddel, of te snelle penetratie. De anus is van nature niet gewend aan penetratie en kan zich verstrakken, wat pijn veroorzaakt.

Hoe kan ik pijn bij anale seks voorkomen?

Ontspanning, voldoende opwinding, veel glijmiddel, langzaam beginnen en goede communicatie zijn essentieel. Start met kleine speeltjes en bouw rustig op naar grotere penetratie.

Welk glijmiddel is het beste voor anale seks?

Gebruik speciaal anaal glijmiddel dat dikker is dan gewone glijmiddelen. Siliconen- of waterbasis glijmiddelen speciaal voor anaal gebruik zijn het meest geschikt. Gebruik ruim glijmiddel - u kunt bijna nooit te veel gebruiken.

Moet ik verdovende crème gebruiken voor anale seks?

Nee, gebruik geen verdovende crème. Pijn is een waarschuwingssignaal van uw lichaam. Zonder gevoel kunt u niet voelen of er schade ontstaat of of er voldoende glijmiddel wordt gebruikt.

Welke standjes zijn het beste voor beginners bij anale seks?

Voor beginners zijn missionaris en lepeltje-lepeltje het meest geschikt. De cowgirl-positie geeft de ontvanger meer controle over tempo en diepte, wat ook fijn kan zijn voor beginners.

Hoe kan ik mijn anus voorbereiden op anale seks?

Begin met solo-experimenteren met een kleine buttplug. Zorg voor goede hygiëne, eventueel met een anale douche. Ontspan, zorg voor voldoende opwinding en gebruik veel glijmiddel.

Wat moet ik doen als anale seks pijn blijft doen na afloop?

Een warm bad kan helpen om de sluitspier te ontspannen en pijn te verzachten. Kleine scheurtjes (aarskloofjes) genezen meestal vanzelf. Bij aanhoudende pijn of bloedingen, raadpleeg een arts.

Kan ik van anale seks naar vaginale seks overstappen?

Wissel altijd van condoom tussen anale en vaginale seks om infecties te voorkomen. Bacteriën uit de anus kunnen vervelende vaginale infecties veroorzaken als ze in de vagina terechtkomen.

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